Brian Hamilton

Christmas

Somehow I seem to mess things up all too often around home. Secretly I hope that everyone will recognize my spiritual authority (like they do at school?), follow my instructions, and everything will go well and everything will be… the kingdom of God if I’m honest with myself. Tonight, I was doing my contemplative thing during HMC’s Christmas Eve service when my sister hit me on the nose with a candle and cracked up through the next song and a bit longer, shaking the entire bench. I was frustrated at first, but convinced myself that to chastise her would only be to promulgate institutional fixedness over the celebration of Christmas and tried (rather unsuccessfully) to laugh along with her. Evidently I felt some pride at this—no surprise, given my temperament—because when my dad felt it necessary to correct the girls’ behavior after the service, I preached my hidden lesson like I was a saint and he was a scoundrel. This, coupled with a brief run-in between Dad and Sister 2 on the way home, mussed Dad’s emotions enough to incite him stomping off on our arrival home, never mind that it’s Christmas Eve. I confronted him again, hopefully more nicely this time, apologizing for picking a fight (or maybe trying to justify my picking a fight) and pleading on behalf of the girls. But when another argument broke out, it took a defeated collapse onto the floor to calm him down. I wish I had the humility and temperance to deal straightly with him, keeping pathways to communication open even in disagreements, but I’ve failed every time I’ve tried. It’s my fault entirely, and I can always identify that after the fact, but somehow I still keep falling into the same vicious behavior.

It’s Christmas morning and almost 2am. Why am I still awake?

25 December 2004 |
tags: Personal