Brian Hamilton

Tuesday, 6am

This is an Eastern exercise in personal awareness. The goal is to replay the past day in your mind, backwards, making explicit to yourself your course of actions and perhaps your motivations. Repeat rather than evaluate. I plainly did not succeed on this last point, remembering my actions in sharply critical ways.

I read through my last entry, Doing One Thing and wonder about the wording of the final sentence. I sit down at my computer, check my e-mail, considering briefly whether or not to go to Cultural Studies dialogue next week. I place my Bible and reading schedule on my couch. I read Matthew 1–6, wondering whether I’m underlining too much and whether I’ve become too comfortable with the Sermon on the Mount. I quickly figure out how much I need to read daily to finish the New Testament by the end of the year, so I can start at the beginning of the Bible on 1 January. Meditation for the second fifteen minutes on imagining today as it will unfold, lastly trying to notice Christ in each event, before that imagining each event as I’d prefer it happen, firstly imagining each event as it will probably happen. Meditation for the first fifteen minutes in attempted quietness of mind and heart, alternating focus between body and breath; my record is 30 continuous breaths without a break in concentration. I stand in front of the window and praise God for today, asking that God guide me in the path of righteousness. I open the blinds, hoping it might wake me up. I turn off my big alarm before it goes off. My smaller alarm goes off and I grope about for it in the darkness before finally remembering where it is. I sleep.

It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep; it’s already half an hour later than I wanted to go to bed (10:30). I’m downloading sermons in spite of myself, cursing my lack of discipline. I try to listen to N.T. Wright’s sermon at the same time, but I miss a lot of it. I think about wanting to sit down and meditate through a sermon, focusing my attention entirely on the spoken word of God. I move around confusedly, wanting to pack my things for the next day, but not knowing what to pack—after 15 minutes, I’ve only assembled a cookbook, piano music, and a small cooler. I finish Mariette in Ecstasy. I spend several hours reading Mariette in Ecstasy, occasionally wondering if I should be doing homework but too enthralled to stop. I walk back to the dorm with Beth; I can’t remember what we were talking about. I talk with Beth at dinner, about common friends, and before that about Messiah’s no-flag-policy. Beth breaks my awkward silence and ask me what I’m reading. I don’t know anyone at the dinner table, so I pull out an article and half-read it, though I can’t pay attention. There’s Taco Bean Soup for dinner, and I’m excited. I come into Lottie Nelson and Beth sits down with a lot of people I don’t know; I’m disappointed, because I’m not in the mood to be outgoing. I ask Beth if I can join her for dinner, even though I wanted to fast tonight—I wonder if it’s this lack of discipline or social sacrifice. I try to give Beth what advice I can about her situation at home, but I’m painfully aware that this is my advice and not God’s—I never give God the time to speak before I speak. I feel anger rise within me as most of the Student Forum gets riled up over the fact that Messiah doesn’t fly flags. I sit quietly through Forum, as always somewhat apathetic. Beth asks my advice on a situation at home, and I think about it, remembering Pauline’s dedication to prayer before making such advice, and I’m quiet until Forum begins. I come into Forum, and sit down beside Beth. It’s time to go to Student Forum, so I put away my articles and leave the library. I actually sit down and work through several pages of my sociology of religion articles. I leave work and head for the library. The last 20 minutes at work I’m just writing a response to Andrea’s e-mail about Ruether. I make a few changes to the grant applications and print out a copy to ask Greg about, but he’s not there so I finish it myself. I come into work half an hour late. I fall asleep on my couch in the dorm, and then take my sweet old time getting on to work. I do a little bit of work on the tracking database for Greg, then lay down, thinking it’s too bright but too lazy to turn them off. I walk back from the library to the dorm, deciding but never really deciding to skip the Greek study session. As I’m reading, Alicia comes up and we talk, briefly. I read Mariette in Ecstasy, hesitating once or twice about not doing any of my schoolwork instead. Andrea’s in the library, which brings a smile, so I walk over and talk to her briefly; I keep it short and defined, not wanting to disturb her or to linger too long. I leave the Falcon and walk to the library. I eat an Apple Cinnamon muffin (eggs?), a pear, and a package of peanuts at the Falcon while reading Mariette in Ecstasy. I decide to grab a bite at the Falcon, though I had wanted to fast. I go down to the Registrar to turn in my Drop/Add form; she’s confused since I don’t actually need anything dropped or added, just verified. Ben goes upstairs to return a book, and I leave Boyer, talking to Josh on the way down the stairs. I wait for Ben to leave, congratulating him on his successful speech. I stay silent for the rest of the class, ashamed at my inarticulateness, and ashamed at my shame. The questions are all focused on Ben’s side of the argument, so I ask something about sibling violence, strengthening statements I’m unsure of, in fact lying. I listen as Ben and his groupmates all give presentations on physical discipline of children, somewhat interested. I read Mariette in Ecstasy until class begins. I had been reading Mariette in Ecstasy waiting for class time to approach until Ben came up; I commented on his shirt and tie, and we exchange a few words about the book. In a meeting with Greg, we try to figure out what an online tracking application should look like, and I plainly ignore many of his comments, figuring it out on my own. I talk to Pauline and announce the book I’m reading in the Agape Center before Greg can go downstairs to the meeting. I don’t remember what I did in the morning, but I meditated for about 20-25 minutes, performing this exercise. I thought about making my bed, but didn’t. I can’t remember when I woke up.

23 November 2004 |
tags: Personal, Prayer